I think God may be paying forward all the impossible questions I have asked clergy people in my life. I wore a clerical collar for the first time a few weeks ago, and right off the bat had one of those “things heard in a clergy collar” moments.
So there I was, standing awkwardly by the coffee pot after service in a button-down black shirt (which I had accidentally ironed a huge wrinkle into); my new clerical collar fastened tightly around my neck—a little too tightly, I kept fidgeting with it—trying desperately to look older and not as uncomfortable as I felt, when one of the parishioners approached me. I smiled, we exchanged brief pleasantries, and then, she asked me a question.
“Since you have earned a collar,” she started; I felt my heart starting to pound. “I wondered if I could ask you a deep, theological question?”
‘Earned the collar!’ I wanted to laugh. ‘I am a second year seminarian, I have in no way earned this collar.’ Instead I weakly stammered, “um, sure. I don’t know that I will know the answer, but we can talk about it.”
“I was just wondering how you, as a Protestant, interpret James 2?”
At that, I really had to force myself not to take a step backwards. My mind was racing. What even is James 2?!? Oh, this morning’s lectionary text. What were the readings? ‘Faith without works is dead’! How do I address that?! I have no idea! I haven’t taken a James class! I wanted to run or protest or defer to one of the multitude of other seminary-educated people in the room. But in that moment, I was the one in the collar, I was the one who was “pastor,” so instead, I took a deep breath and employed what I later learned is a classic pastoral stall tactic.
“That’s a great question,” I replied calmly. “Let’s grab a cup of coffee, sit down and talk about that.” This bought me a full three minutes to get my thoughts in order and my heart rate back in check.
And you know what, the conversation went great. It was not the most articulate explanation of James, but it did the job. We talked about grace, we talked about faith, we talked about the freedom of being adopted into God’s family. We even talked about Luther and Galatians a little bit. And most importantly, we talked about the good news that is Jesus Christ, coming into the world for us, no matter who we are or what we do or how articulately we can explain theology, or how much we may screw up sometimes. Yay for God who loves us just as we are. I think I kind of like this pastor thing.
The extraordinary can look so ordinary
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Summer Reading List
In honor of completing my first reading assignment of the new school year, I thought it would be interesting to post what I read over the summer. As much as I can remember, these are in order of reading.
1. The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling – just as good the fourth (fifth? sixth?) time. Perfect for distracting a person from the reality of CPE. Unfortunately I had a 2-hour commute every day, so I blew through this pretty quickly and had to find something else to read.
2. Forgetting Whose We Are: Alzhemiers Disease and the Love of God by David Keck – this was the book that convinced me that I could not do intense ministry all day and read theology at night and be at all functional. Also, I realized that if you agree with the basic premise a theology book is trying to prove before it even starts, it’s kind of a boring read. The book makes a good and important argument about the ability of God’s love to transcend memory loss, but I wanted more about where to go with that.
3. Bech: A Book by John Updike – I know Updike is a famous author and this is supposed to be one of his classic works, but I’m not sure this book had an actual plot.
4. Dreams from my Father by Barak Obama – I like the idea that we have someone who thinks about things like this running our country.
5. Portuguese Irregular Verbs and The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs by Alexander McCall Smith – From the series The 2½ Pillars of Wisdom. Similar to Bech, there wasn’t really a discernible plot to either, but they were funny and not offensive (unlike Bech). I rather enjoyed them.
6. The Shack by William P. Young – I read this because I feel it’s important to be up on the current popular Christian literature. That being said, I really enjoyed it. Gave me a lot to think about.
7. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert – Really liked this one too. I see why it’s been making the circles for a while.
8. Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld – Painfully awkward. A good representation of what it feels like to be a fourteen-year-old girl, a part of my life I had no desire to revisit. Oddly enough, I found I couldn’t put it down! Like watching an awkward train wreck, I couldn’t look away.
9. Naked by David Sedaris – I read a lot of books this summer that were awkward and had no discernible plot. I found I wasn’t a fan.
10. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini – And now for something completely different! Amazing, but wow, painful. Really, really good, but a little intense for CPE.
11. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger – Ah, back to my general level of summer reading preferences. Funny story about this one is I read most of it in one night sitting on the floor in my bathroom because my roommate couldn’t sleep with the light on and I was afraid to go downstairs because of the cat. Yep, I sat on the floor of the bathroom rather than face a 12 pound housecat. It was maybe the most pathetic moment of my summer.
12. Me, Myself, and Bob: A True Story about God, Dreams and Talking Vegetables by Phil Vischer – The autobiography of the founder of Veggie Tales. This book was really amazing. A great book about having dreams, doing what you love, and what to do when what you love falls apart. Also just a really good story.
13. Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year by Anne Lamott – I picked up this one sort of on a whim because I like Anne Lamott. It was alright, not much to say really.
14. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides – This book lived up to the hype. Really engaging and well written.
15. The Stranger in Big Sur by Lillian Bos Ross – I found it on my shelf in my parents’ house. Definitely not a classic, sort of a regional read.
16. The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy – The book starts at a funeral, and the rest of the story is about learning how the story got to that point. Amazing how drawn in I was to a book where I knew how it ended. Really good.
17. Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver – Always nice to close out the summer with a good Kingsolver novel, and Prodigal Summer delivers. Good characters development, social justice-y plotlines, and a little bit of romance. Perfect.
1. The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling – just as good the fourth (fifth? sixth?) time. Perfect for distracting a person from the reality of CPE. Unfortunately I had a 2-hour commute every day, so I blew through this pretty quickly and had to find something else to read.
2. Forgetting Whose We Are: Alzhemiers Disease and the Love of God by David Keck – this was the book that convinced me that I could not do intense ministry all day and read theology at night and be at all functional. Also, I realized that if you agree with the basic premise a theology book is trying to prove before it even starts, it’s kind of a boring read. The book makes a good and important argument about the ability of God’s love to transcend memory loss, but I wanted more about where to go with that.
3. Bech: A Book by John Updike – I know Updike is a famous author and this is supposed to be one of his classic works, but I’m not sure this book had an actual plot.
4. Dreams from my Father by Barak Obama – I like the idea that we have someone who thinks about things like this running our country.
5. Portuguese Irregular Verbs and The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs by Alexander McCall Smith – From the series The 2½ Pillars of Wisdom. Similar to Bech, there wasn’t really a discernible plot to either, but they were funny and not offensive (unlike Bech). I rather enjoyed them.
6. The Shack by William P. Young – I read this because I feel it’s important to be up on the current popular Christian literature. That being said, I really enjoyed it. Gave me a lot to think about.
7. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert – Really liked this one too. I see why it’s been making the circles for a while.
8. Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld – Painfully awkward. A good representation of what it feels like to be a fourteen-year-old girl, a part of my life I had no desire to revisit. Oddly enough, I found I couldn’t put it down! Like watching an awkward train wreck, I couldn’t look away.
9. Naked by David Sedaris – I read a lot of books this summer that were awkward and had no discernible plot. I found I wasn’t a fan.
10. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini – And now for something completely different! Amazing, but wow, painful. Really, really good, but a little intense for CPE.
11. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger – Ah, back to my general level of summer reading preferences. Funny story about this one is I read most of it in one night sitting on the floor in my bathroom because my roommate couldn’t sleep with the light on and I was afraid to go downstairs because of the cat. Yep, I sat on the floor of the bathroom rather than face a 12 pound housecat. It was maybe the most pathetic moment of my summer.
12. Me, Myself, and Bob: A True Story about God, Dreams and Talking Vegetables by Phil Vischer – The autobiography of the founder of Veggie Tales. This book was really amazing. A great book about having dreams, doing what you love, and what to do when what you love falls apart. Also just a really good story.
13. Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year by Anne Lamott – I picked up this one sort of on a whim because I like Anne Lamott. It was alright, not much to say really.
14. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides – This book lived up to the hype. Really engaging and well written.
15. The Stranger in Big Sur by Lillian Bos Ross – I found it on my shelf in my parents’ house. Definitely not a classic, sort of a regional read.
16. The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy – The book starts at a funeral, and the rest of the story is about learning how the story got to that point. Amazing how drawn in I was to a book where I knew how it ended. Really good.
17. Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver – Always nice to close out the summer with a good Kingsolver novel, and Prodigal Summer delivers. Good characters development, social justice-y plotlines, and a little bit of romance. Perfect.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
What I Learned on my Summer Vacation
The big question I’m getting a lot these days is “what did you learn at CPE?” I’m never really sure how to answer that question. What did I learn? I learned a lot of things. Some meaningless (all the verses of Alexander’s Ragtime Band), and some profound (how liturgy continues to give meaning to people with Alzheimer's Disease long after their other memories fail). I learned I am uncomfortable in group processing, I learned meeting new people never gets easy, no matter how many times a day I do it. I learned a lot about myself. But I think the biggest thing I learned in CPE is it does not really matter what I learned about myself, because in the end I am not the one that matters. In the end, God breaks through in spite of me, not because of me. My job is simply to be present.
One of the most powerful moments of my summer happened standing outside of the ICU unit at Alexandria Hospital. As I stood there staring at the menacing grey metal doors, I felt completely and totally unprepared for what was on the other side. I stood leaning against the wall for a few moments, my mind racing. What was I, I wondered to myself, twenty-five years old, first year seminarian, going to do that was at all helpful. I didn’t even really know the woman I was visiting. She had been my welcome wagon person, and when I ran into her in the halls she would ask about my upcoming sermon. Other than that, we had no interaction. Why was I even here? What was I supposed to do? Who did I think I was? And then there was a voice, not one of those deep, God voices but my own voice, coming from within my chest. The voice, my voice, rang out, “I don’t know what you're supposed to be doing here either, but whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing here, you’re not going to do from this side of the door.” And with that, I walked in.
What I realized that day was what I brought through the door had nothing to do with my abilities. It did not matter who I was, what I knew, or how good my game plan was. My presence as “chaplain” served as a reminder that God was already present in the midst of crisis. As long as I was willing to walk through the door and be used, God was already in the room wanting to use me as a reminder of God’s presence. Thanks be to God, who uses such simple and broken tools as humanity to accomplish God’s work in the world.
One of the most powerful moments of my summer happened standing outside of the ICU unit at Alexandria Hospital. As I stood there staring at the menacing grey metal doors, I felt completely and totally unprepared for what was on the other side. I stood leaning against the wall for a few moments, my mind racing. What was I, I wondered to myself, twenty-five years old, first year seminarian, going to do that was at all helpful. I didn’t even really know the woman I was visiting. She had been my welcome wagon person, and when I ran into her in the halls she would ask about my upcoming sermon. Other than that, we had no interaction. Why was I even here? What was I supposed to do? Who did I think I was? And then there was a voice, not one of those deep, God voices but my own voice, coming from within my chest. The voice, my voice, rang out, “I don’t know what you're supposed to be doing here either, but whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing here, you’re not going to do from this side of the door.” And with that, I walked in.
What I realized that day was what I brought through the door had nothing to do with my abilities. It did not matter who I was, what I knew, or how good my game plan was. My presence as “chaplain” served as a reminder that God was already present in the midst of crisis. As long as I was willing to walk through the door and be used, God was already in the room wanting to use me as a reminder of God’s presence. Thanks be to God, who uses such simple and broken tools as humanity to accomplish God’s work in the world.
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